Dinah Capparucci's Alien Welcome Stomp

The astronauts went to Planet Mars and came back again. They were sorry to say that it was mostly red dust and not really worth the trip. What they did not say was that they had stopped off at another planet on the way back, which is camouflaged and not visible from Planet Earth. This planet had been a lot better, with proper green aliens that waggled octopus-like arms, and skinny ones with leaf-shaped, slanty eyes, and some other well-known
types.

As the astronauts parked their spaceship on the invisible planet, the aliens cheered and waved and threw their hats in the air.

The astronauts were invited to a special alien welcome dance and (kind of) enjoyed a concert of native alien music. There was a barbecue in their honour, on a beach of green dust where the water was red and yellow stripes. Later they went for a paddle and the aliens stole their trousers, for “a laugh”.

When, finally, the astronauts were tired, they lazed on gnodlibooms*, watching the planets spin and sparky silver stars whizz across a violet sky.

Basically the astronauts were fooled into a false sense of security.

The aliens were in their “costumes”, which were disguises they knew the astronauts would like. Their real bodies were oozing and repulsive, but invisible to the astronauts because they appeared at a very high light frequency and showed elsewhere in the cosmos (shocking some microscopic life forms into premature extinction).

That night, when the astronauts were sleeping in the alien pyjamas which they’d borrowed, the aliens stole their helmets and jumpers to add to the trousers.

And this is what the aliens wore when they landed on Planet Earth.

The humans waved and cheered as the astronauts walked down the ladder from the spaceship. Beaming officials escorted the astronauts into the changing rooms. One asked, “Would you like me to help get your helmet off?”

“No,” said the astronaut.

The aliens locked the door of the changing rooms and dumped their astronaut clothes on the floor. Then, disguised as human traffic wardens, they began the invasion of Planet Earth. If you see one, you must stamp on the squashy tentacle inside its boot.

* Gnodlibooms, from the Alienize. No equivalent translation.

By Dinah Capparucci